handling disappointment
listening, caring, and guiding people through the feelings
A colleague received a blow, quite a disappointment. They were absent from work a few days, it affected them that much.
With any difficult emotion, people internalize their feelings or externalize them. As you can imagine, both responses keep people stuck in their disappointment.
I internalize and ruminate. In the past 5 years or so, I’ve gradually lessened the amount of time I ruminate. Not sure how I did it, other than recognizing my feelings, and feeling them, then letting them fade. In the past, I repressed most everything that was negative or unpleasant, and that had negative long-term effects on my body and mind.
Ideally, we can learn from emotions, and move on.
Understanding what is within our control and what is not, is key. And making this distinction helps us deal with frustrations and move on. I have zero control over externals like people’s behaviors, decisions, and actions, but I can control how I react.
Feeling all the negative feelings is important. Too often, people repress their disappointment and immediately adopt positive outlooks. It may work for a while, but certainly there is residual disappointment underneath.
And if you’re familiar with Bessel van Der Kolk’s work, The body keeps score, then you know that when we don’t express our emotions, that they transform into headaches, tight muscles, and other physiological manifestations.
I’ll listen to my colleague vent. I’ll urge them to take time and don’t rush into positivity, or learning from failure. Toxic positivity is a thing. A bad thing.
Eventually, I’ll redirect my colleague and urge them to let go of feeling hurt, betrayed, disappointed. It will take an investment of intention and empathy. Feeling overlooked, unseen, erased, and unappreciated can be difficult to overcome.
Leaning into bitterness is a choice. But I wouldn’t remain there too long.
Take a cue from Taylor Swift, and channel your emotions into your creative work. Maybe not your library work, but a haiku? Or any other activity you enjoy during your time away from the workplace.
Haiku is a Japanese poetic form in which writers create a three line container for their words. But within these three lines, a structure exists: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, and 5 in the third. I’ve participated in haiku generation with a friend when she was in a bookmaking class and we created Elvis haiku content for her book. Such fun! Further, a library colleague and I swapped haiku via email as a playful practice some years ago.
Robert Enright suggests forgiveness. That can be difficult, especially if it’s too soon. However, forgiveness aligns with the Buddhist principle of equanimity. And Leo Babauta recommends once way of practicing equanimity as “…be[ing] Teflon.”1
And, I think, in this particular case, that counseling my colleague that they don’t need the acknowledgement of others to take pride in their accomplishments.
Something a colleague has reminded me with when I felt unappreciated in my library is “Jesus had to leave Bethlehem,” but I think they probably mean Nazareth. They way they meant it was: “don’t expect recognition from your home organization, as external folks likely value you more,” or “familiarity breeds contempt.”
https://zenhabits.net/calm-as-a-monk-how-equanimity-can-save-your-sanity/